When will this end

 when will this end, I'm trying everything I could but it's not enough. I'm trying not to complain but I end somehow confessing. I'm following people understanding their way of life and adding in mine but I don't think it's enough to discribe me. Things git set up for me and was labeled as privilege when I didn't even ask about it. I tried to be a person to be looked upon but somehow it never happened. I tried my best by not showing how vulnerable I'm inside but it overflows with tears at night. I tell myself I can do it more then hundred times yet I get scared.is it so hard to understand the feeling of yourself. Every decision I make feels wrong every path feels like it's full of Thorns. All I wanted was someone to understand me is it so hard to do that. I try to open myself up to talk but I'm scared of the outcome I get. Why am I like this, what led me to be this, for how long am I going to be like this. I smile, I laugh, like everyone else. I want to live a normal life even though I have a normal life but it doesn't feel like. People put their decision on me and I just except it. just suppressing the overwhelmed emotions inside me. I once tried to explain people what I'm going through but they refuse to believe since it never happened to them. I told them the things I go through they called me mad, I told them I need to sit checked why is this happening, they bluffed it saying you are so young what will people think of you going to those places. All they think at the end is what will others think. I somehow ended up getting people around me humiliated by others ever since I went to school till now people try to complain my lack of skills, always telling me to take interest in things I'm trying to. They tell me to look at others and look at myself comparing me. I'm not them but I try to be like them and now I forgot who I'm and what I love or what I want. I know is I'm not me anymore although I try to be. I just hope it doesn't show that what I'm not become a burden on others. I always tell how those girls get a guy so easily yet here I'm not having any guy in my life. Although I had one but what I need is more then that I need commitment from a guy to love as I'm but I'm not desperate to have one I'm just saying that's all.